11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
