the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
