She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
well i did feel guilty about it. until i saw how hot the guy was the next day. now, nothing but pride.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
if memory serves, the guy you were hooking up with said he was a slutty skittle.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Randomize
