i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize