I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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