woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Randomize
