Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
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