you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
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