I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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