were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
Randomize
