his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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