a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
Randomize
