so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
