Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
