I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Randomize
