There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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