Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Randomize
