saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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