did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize