I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
