dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Randomize
