I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
