I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
