youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
She needs sedatives and a leash
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Randomize
