i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
