I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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