if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
