If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize