Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
