When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I'm not the type to go to a guys house...in your case his boat...and sleep with them..I mean I have in the past but I'm trying to be more serious and grown up
Randomize
