i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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