Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
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