I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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