Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
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