we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
two words: eviction party
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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