Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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