I swear she didn't look like that last week.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
