She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I believe in your delicious
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