just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize