Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Randomize
