I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
