i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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