you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
