I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
