So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Randomize
