glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
