Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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