i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
