so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Randomize
