here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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