Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
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