I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
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