I wish I could teleport
I need help removing her.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
