why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
Randomize
