I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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