Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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