I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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