Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.
I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
